Heart Notes
As I continue to work on writing my book there was a section I felt completely compelled to share this evening. I’m not sure who this is for but I feel completely led by the Lord to share it. I pray God will speak to you as I share a piece of my story that were some of the hardest, and most fragile moments of my life.
It was the early season of 2016, the girl in this picture (below) was a mother of two amazing boys, a beautiful 3 year old and a newborn (the highlights of her life.) What she didn’t know though, was that life would soon be uprooted for her and her children. Her dream of having a unified family would soon shatter to the ground leaving her to pick up the pieces that she was never qualified to put back together by herself. “Addiction” would soon rip away the life she once knew, the family unit she once envisioned, and she would be faced with no choice but to begin raising two boys alone, the best way she knew how.
If only I could go back to this girl in the picture and tell her that one day she was going to make it far beyond what she could have ever imagined. Maybe it would have saved her from all those nights of so many tears, worry and fear. So much pressure to hold it together for these sweet little boys and pressure to give them a future I wanted so desperately for them to have. I was alone in this picture. Raising two boys on my own, praying to God every night that He would help me but it was quiet and He was silent.
All I ever dreamed of was to have that fairytale, love, marriage, children and happily ever after. But here I was, sitting on the complete opposite end of my dream. I begged for God to save us and take all the pain away, all the rejection that life continued to deal me but the pain didn’t stop, and I had no choice but to walk through it. I thought to myself and asked God many times, why me? I was a good person, I did all the right things, I gave and loved people the best I could, I worked hard and all I ever wanted was that back. I never understood why that was so hard for some people to give.
It was fall time in 2016, me and the boys had to move, start over. We all three shared one bedroom, in a converted garage that our family opened to us. We had no heat. All our beds were cramped together in this small one room converted garage. My bed, a twin bed for Daniel and a crib for Eli. We used a small electric heater to try and keep warm. I tried so hard to never let the boys see my pain. I remember the first week after moving I would quietly cry myself to sleep trying not to wake up the boys. There were so many tears, I would have to flip over my pillow, all while asking God why. I never got a response. I would beg Him and plead with Him to answer me. Still, He said nothing.
I remember waking up in the mornings to Eli standing up in his crib just looking at me with the biggest smile on his face. Joy really did come for me in the mornings because even though we were at our lowest, in these beautiful moments of seeing my children smiling and laughing it took away all the pain and helped me remember what was important.
In order for me to start working full time I had to find a daycare for the boys. I remember searching and came across GC Church. It was the first day I took them in and instantly felt a peace. Finally, I could breath. Finally, I felt safe. I felt so compelled after taking them to the school that we started attending the church almost every Wednesday and Sunday. I started to learn that God wasn’t just the God the world made Him out to be, but that He was a God made for relationship with me. I didn’t grow up in church, I knew God was good, I always prayed to Him and believed in Him but I had no relationship with Him. I didn’t know how to even start until the day I started to seek Him. That’s when my foundation began. Finally, God had answered me and led me to the place He wanted for us.
About 6 months into this new season of life, me and the boys were still in our shared one bedroom and I remember having a thought about starting real estate. I felt in my heart it was what God was calling me to do, so I worked full time and did online classes in my spar time. Mostly, at night I would stay up late after putting the boys to bed and finish all my school work. I barely got any sleep just to wake up the next day and do the same routine all over again. It took me 5 months to finish my classes. It was so hard doing everything alone. But when I would look at my children I saw the future I wanted to give them, I saw what they deserved and I was willing to give my all for them. I didn’t give up. (The same way God looks at us as His children, never giving up on us and wanting to give us an amazing life.) I started looking forward to church. It was the only place I felt His presence, a comfort I had never felt before. My children were able to learn about God everyday at school and they looked forward to church. That in my opinion was the greatest gift I could ever have given them - Jesus.
It was the day to take my final exam to become licensed and I failed the test. It was like a cloud of darkness that covered me, I felt defeated, overwhelmed and honestly just exhausted. I went home, soaked up the tears and thought to myself this isn’t going to take me out. I am going to pass this test. So I studied more, and more. I went back and after a couple times I finally Passed. I started my real estate journey in TN and set out to accomplish my dreams with the Lords help and guidance.
I started working for my first brokerage firm in December 2017 with $12.53 to my name. I screenshot my bank account balance that day because I knew God would one day have a story to tell. I had just used my last hundred dollars to pay for my real estate fee and $12.53 was all I had left. I remember praying to God and telling him, “I’m all in now, and I’m scared to death so please send me a client.” I ended up pending my first deal within my first week of joining. By the end of December I had 3 deals pended and the rest is history
Ever since that moment God has blessed me with so many amazing people to guide me through and so many amazing families that I have been honored to help find them their dream homes. I look at my life today and I’m in shock. Words can’t explain how God has done what He has. It’s a true testament of how powerful and great and big our father really is. I’m beyond blessed with what God has given me and the boys. It took a few years to see my prayers answered and some more heartbreak and breakthroughs but He does always answer, we just have to trust in His timing! And sometimes what we think is best for us, isn’t. That’s why trust is so important.
Today, we are alive and have breath in our lungs, we have a beautiful house of our own, amazing family, friends and church family that have always been there for us. Saying I’m grateful and thankful for everyone doesn’t do it justice. I’m just so overwhelmed with gratitude there will never be enough words to describe it. As dark as our road was, there was a beautiful gift in the end and the best part is it’s not over. God has even greater things for me and the boys and I’m trusting Him for it.
I’m trusting Him to lead me and show me what’s next. I’m trusting Him that He will help guide me to raise these boys to be men of God. If there’s only one thing I can do for them it would be to show them Jesus. I know if they know Him, then no matter what life brings them, they will survive, they will conquer and they will be a light to the world. For any single parents out there struggling, or feeling that weight of the world I want you to know there is a bright future for you, believe in the Lord for His promise. He will make a way. Keep fighting all those demons that try to hold you back. Don’t give up. Train up your children in the Lord so that when the storm comes they will always know where to find the sword to win the battle. God has saved us in so many ways in the last 5 years.
This is only a piece of the story but I felt convicted to share it and I pray someone can relate and get their strength back. Rise up. Gods word is our sword and very powerful. It changes the atmosphere around you and miracles will happen for all those who believe in Jesus. So I leave you with this. We all have different stories and journeys we will face in life but one thing remains true for all of us - forgive those that hurt you and don’t hold hate in your heart, know the battle isn’t against flesh and blood.
Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” - Ephesians 6:11-12
